I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
