i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
