Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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