I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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