I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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