If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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