Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
