its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
