sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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