the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
