I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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