Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
