I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
