dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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