Im at strip club and am horny
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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