Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize