Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
