Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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