I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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