I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
