dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
