jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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