Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
