Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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