Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
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It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
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You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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