I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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