I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
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Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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