this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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