I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
