dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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