Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
