I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
