I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
