shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
