My room smells like vodka and shame
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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