But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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