the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
