I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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