In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
