I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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