Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
