Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
