The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
