He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
