The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
