Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
