Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
