The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
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i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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