Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
