he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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