I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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