Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
