mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
handjob tips. give me some.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
