Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
