Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
where are you?
Hypothermia
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
