evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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