I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There r osticjed everywhere
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
