I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
