I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
