Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
