My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
