I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
