STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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